Off With His Head!

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“Life as a shorty shouldn’t be so rough.” – -Inspectah Deck, “C.R.E.A.M.”

The KISS midgets, no ma’am. Insane Clow Posse game proper. But I digress what I came here to tell you. Guyana wants to take your boy Testicular Pain down to China Town.

Neither T-Pain, above, nor his trademark top hat nor his Vocoder device will be at a concert in Guyana after he was threatened with kidnapping or death, The Associated Press reported. T-Pain, the Florida-born hip-hop and R&B performer whose real name is Faheem Najm, was scheduled to perform a concert in that South American nation on Monday night as part of its Mashramani festival, which celebrates Guyana’s independence from Britain. But the show’s promoter canceled the event after receiving what he said were “credible death and kidnapping threats” against T-Pain via e-mail messages and telephone calls. A police commander for the area told The A.P. that the local authorities were investigating. [source]

See Guyana, this is why I fucks with you.

Casket Toss

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I think a fashion funeral is the best way to end all of this red carpet coverage, no? T-Pain’s wife must have got rid of a few items from his tour closet and distributed it through out the rest of the family. How dreadful! Who looked more dressed for a closed casket funeral?

Girl, You So Futuristic

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Lady GaGa is the pinnacle of different-ness! Since I am rocking one solo contact lens right now [long story but there was some hoe shit involved - - victory!] I thought she was the youngest Knowles sister at first.

Many of her fans believe that Christina Aguilera jacked her swag from the electropop singer. Whatever the case may ultimately be someone please notify Solange that she can turn her glow sticks in at the front desk.

More flicks of GaGa, Christian Siriano, T-Pain, Tyrese, Orland Brown [roflmao] and others at Interscope, Geffen, A&M Records’ American Music Awards after-party under the hood.

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Ciara Performs + Fantasy Ride Pushed Back to ’09

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Uncle Ciara may have rocked the stage at 94.9 Wild Jam concert last week but that doesn’t mean she is doing the same on the Billboard charts. Her album Fantasy Ride has been pushed back to 2009. She should link up with Keri Hilson for the ‘But We’re Trying’ promotional tour.

Blame it on the disappointing performance of the first single, “Go Girl,” featuring and produced by T-Pain. Proof that not everything he touches turns into a hit, the sultry dance groove quickly vanished from Billboard’s all-important Hot 100 chart no sooner than it debuted (and peaked) at a modest No. 78. “The response to ‘Go Girl’ wasn’t strong enough to ignite an album,” says a rep for the Zomba Label Group. “It’s a nice setup single because [the video] introduces Ciara’s new look and her new body, but it’s not the opener.” [source]

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[Flicks via Ozonemag]

Holla!

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Just over 1.9 million viewers tuned in to watch the season premiere and its second episode of Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is on Tuesday, making Frankie far more relevant D. Woods and Yung Joc. I hope she utizilies this show as a launching pad for her career. I would love to watch her break down pop culture on The Best Week Ever or host the 2009 BET Hip-Hop Awards [surely will do a better job than T-Pain].

The sky’s the limit for Frankie and her collection of shiny, snythetic wigs. Now Neffie and that dusty ponytail on the other hand . . .

One more additional flick of the queen under the hood.

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K-Ci Would Never Do This

A tipster tells Necole Bitchie that Mary J. Blige’s husband/manager he pulled a creep at a Las Vegas strip club recently. Call me old fashion but the Chikin Skrip is no place for a married man unless he is accompanied by his wife. Go on and shake your head in disapproval but this seems to be working fine for T-Pain and his old lady.

Here’s the dirt:

mary1 K Ci Would Never Do This I would hate to be in Mary’s shoes right now but I have to tell someone what I witnesses yesterday. Yes, I am a female dancer at Sin City Cabaret in the Bronx. However, I am not the entertainer that he was with when he entered the club last night. Kendu was sitting in V.I.P and tossing a few dollars at a duo onstage performing a sensual lesbian act. He got so close to see what was happening onstage and that is when I spotted his face. He was wearing a plaid Kangol paper boy hat and a black cashmere sweater with jeans. At first I figured he was just there hanging out with some guys (Foxy Brown’s manager), but then I saw him cuddled up with a casually dressed stripper that works at the club. The were all coochie coo and layed out on the V.I.P. couch. My friend, who is saved, said that is why I do not date men that go to church faithfully. Necole if you would have seen the foul sh!t he was up to you would have been mad for Mary. I mad just thinking about it because I don’t want to hear another sad album full of crying and screaming of deceit. Lastly this is not the only saved husband that frequents the strip club….Salt ,from Sat-n-Pepa, other half has been rubbed down too. JUST AIN’T RIGHT!!!

Poor Willona! This is the second man to come in her life playing a role when all of the sudden the poo hits the fan. The first being that guy who Penny’s mama paid to pretend like he was in love with old ‘Lona and then he threw some random crack party so she would get in trouble with the law. Same shit, different toilet!

Quick Quotes

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“My wife and I download pornos together,” he says. “She goes with me to strip clubs. She’ll be tipping bitches and everything.” More sweetly: “I love reading my daughter to sleep—she loves this one book called Ducks in Muck.” And, combining the smutty and the sweet: “I’ll be at a club, just surrounded by ho’s, and I’ll literally call my wife, like, ‘I’m so, so happy I married you.’”

His marriage helps him to put the surreal life into perspective, and it helps him to keep sight of Faheem Najm when he’s recording as T-Pain. Even if it isn’t the sexiest topic, he enjoys mining aspects of matrimony for material. One of the funniest moments on Thr33 Ringz comes on the song “Therapy,” where a narrator tells an unloving woman, “I don’t need your sex, I’ll masturbate.”

“See, that line comes straight out of my life!” he says. “I’m married, and I jerk off all the time. Some R&B singers act like they getting sex every night. T-Pain is here to tell you: Ain’t no one getting sex every night!”

- – T-Pain talks about marital bliss in Blender magazine