The World Wide Wang erupted drunk ass uncle style after fake news site The Onion published an article with the headline ‘Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death’ today.
Baseball bat in hand, Mama Breezy (sans drawstring ponytail) was spotted inside an underground parking garage with Vaseline smeared across her face 15 minutes after the story went live on the website, according to multiple sources.
Not really, but I can’t be that far off.
“After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always thought the 25-year-old singer was going to be the woman he’d beat to death one day,” begins the satirical piece.
Read the rest inside the cut.
Spotted: Rihanna Attends The Chicago Bulls Vs Brooklyn Nets Playoff Game
Not every nubian white queen is fawning over Chris Brown. The mystery blonde that was photographed partying alongside Breezy at L.A.’s Playhouse nightclub says that she doesn’t pose any real threat to his relationship with Rihanna because when she peruses the buffet of life she will reach for a ladle of vanilla peen over chocolate every time. This ain’t ‘Black Snake Moan’, its real life.
“I am always Chris’ waitress. I know him and am friends￼ with his friends. Nothing has ever happened. I just work there,” cocktail waitress Keisha Kimball tells TMZ. “In the photos, he was handing me a bottle to drink out of. Of course people are going to twist it another way. I don’t go for black guys.”
The 22-year-old booty meat model adds, “Whatever is going on between Rihanna and Chris Brown is between them. I’m not trying to be a home wrecker.”
Keisha says that Rabid Beaver is normally a generous tipper but was stingy with his coins last weekend. So, you know what that means. More money for Mama Breezy’s drawstring ponytail collection! You will be alright, ma’am. With a name like Keisha you will live to fight another day. It was written.
In a call-in interview with Chicago’s 107.5 FM at the top of this week, Ciara shared her thoughts on Rihanna and bestie Melissa Forde having an invitation-only body party on a bathroom floor at her expense on Instagram.
She also slammed internet urban legend that her album ‘Fantasy Ride’ was given away at KFC with the purchase of a Original Recipe sandwich combo. Gasp! That’s what the focus of this post should really be on, but I digress.
“Well you know, I’m not going at it with anybody. I thought everything was cool because I actually saw Rihanna two years ago at the MET Gala after we had the little small back and forth, and from what I recall everything was cool. So, in my mind I operated from a place of love and pure support. If you would have asked me about her up until this point, I would have nothing but good things to say because I’m sincerely really happy for her. But I didn’t receive what they did from a positive place.”
Ciara also recently chatted it up with Philly’s Hot 107.9 (watch the video) about her non-existant friendship with Rih Rih:
“There is no relationship. Hey man, if something is supposed to happen, it’ll happen. Even when it pertains to her I’ve never had an issue with her so I don’t know what it is. I can’t figure it out and I guess I don’t care to figure it out. But I’ve always came from a place of love and support for her ever since we hung out a little bit or whatever it is. She’s on whatever she’s on and it is what it is.”
Ciara & Future At Haze Nightclub
“I want to be anywhere in the world that I’m needed. I want to spread a message of peace and love throughout the world.”
– Dennis Rodman tells TMZ that his “people” in Rome are trying to arrange a sit-down meeting with him and the new Pope.
“I’m not afraid of any person in this world, but my mother; I’m terrified of her. She called me two days ago and reeled me in about two naked pictures [my friend] Melissa [Forde] put up on Instagram, a sneak peek from a photo book she’s making about me. She went crazy on me, I was, like, embarrassed. I felt like I got my ass whipped in front of my class at school! She humbled the fuck out of me.”
– Rihanna reveals to Elle UK that she got an earful from her mom about a semi-naked picture posted to her Instagram account.