Recently promotion for the BET Awards ’13 has been about as quiet as Olivia’s career, so we were hoping they hadn’t secretly cancelled it. Thankfully, President of Music Programming and Specials Stephen G. Hill heard our cries and blessed us with a sign.
Host Chris Tucker along with the leader of the Golden Lords Chris Brown, Kendrick Lamar, Tamar Braxton, and Cadillac Lifetime Achievement Award recipient Charlie Wilson were all present at the Icon Ultra Lounge in Los Angeles yesterday to share details about this year’s show at a press conference.
The World Wide Wang erupted drunk ass uncle style after fake news site The Onion published an article with the headline ‘Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death’ today.
Baseball bat in hand, Mama Breezy (sans drawstring ponytail) was spotted inside an underground parking garage with Vaseline smeared across her face 15 minutes after the story went live on the website, according to multiple sources.
Not really, but I can’t be that far off.
“After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always thought the 25-year-old singer was going to be the woman he’d beat to death one day,” begins the satirical piece.
Read the rest inside the cut.
Spotted: Rihanna Attends The Chicago Bulls Vs Brooklyn Nets Playoff Game
“Don’t ask me shit about that man when I come up there. Leave that man alone. Stop preying on his insecurities,” said Canada Dry. “His insecurities are the fact that I make better music than him. I’m more poppin’ than him.”
Drake also vaguely referenced Breezy’s on-again, off-again romance with Rihanna. “At one point in life, the woman that he loves fell into my lap. I did what a real nigga would do and treated her with respect,” he continued.
Oh you shady, shady queen. Let’s get together to spill tea and grease each other scalps. He also vented about his frustrations with answering questions about their beef.
Not every nubian white queen is fawning over Chris Brown. The mystery blonde that was photographed partying alongside Breezy at L.A.’s Playhouse nightclub says that she doesn’t pose any real threat to his relationship with Rihanna because when she peruses the buffet of life she will reach for a ladle of vanilla peen over chocolate every time. This ain’t ‘Black Snake Moan’, its real life.
“I am always Chris’ waitress. I know him and am friends￼ with his friends. Nothing has ever happened. I just work there,” cocktail waitress Keisha Kimball tells TMZ. “In the photos, he was handing me a bottle to drink out of. Of course people are going to twist it another way. I don’t go for black guys.”
The 22-year-old booty meat model adds, “Whatever is going on between Rihanna and Chris Brown is between them. I’m not trying to be a home wrecker.”
Keisha says that Rabid Beaver is normally a generous tipper but was stingy with his coins last weekend. So, you know what that means. More money for Mama Breezy’s drawstring ponytail collection! You will be alright, ma’am. With a name like Keisha you will live to fight another day. It was written.
Chris Brown‘s epic vogue battles with other celebrities along with his relationship with Rihanna make his name a staple in today’s headlines, but a few years back he was knocking hoes out the game (not that way) by playing up his boy next door appeal.
Two step down memory lane by taking a look back at Chris singing with Elmo on ‘Sesame Street’ in 2007. Now, slide into home base over the realization that both currently have tarnished public images. The world is so fucked up.
“I ain’t going to take too much of your time because these hoes don’t deserve it anyway.”
If I had a single strand of Outre velvet remi yaki for every time I’ve uttered that under my breath before logging into WordPress to draft posts for this godforsaken website, I would be 80 quick weaves deep into the game right now instead of just 12.
My twin Kid Fury reads Keri Hilson and Chris Brown their final rights in his latest video. Press play and be blessed.