Until there is a cure for Island Dick, I am making it my life’s mission to solicit prayers and cartons of Kools cigarettes in support of Lauryn Hill.
The 37-year-old was sentenced on Monday to three months in federal prison, three months in home confinement and a $60,000 fine for failing to file tax returns on more than $1.8 million in earnings between 2005 and 2007. Father, I stretch my hands to thee.
Her attorney Nathan Hochman said in an email that she recently paid more than $970,000 just ahead of her court appearances to satisfy state and federal tax liabilities. She still owes another $285,000 in interest and penalties. Ms. Hill must report to prison by July 8. It’s not clear where she’ll serve her sentence.
The next time you are at the post office and an employee asks you “Any stamps today?” just slowly nod your head.
I heard screaming. I’m eating my McDonald’s and I come outside, and I see this girl going nuts trying to get out her house. So I go on the porch and she says ‘Help me get out, I been out here a long time.’ So I figure it’s a domestic violence dispute, so I open the door and we can’t get in that way ’cause how the door is, it’s so much that a body can’t fit through it, only a hand. So we kick the bottom, and she comes out with a little girl, and she says ‘Call 911, my name is Amanda Berry . . . When she told me it didn’t register until I got to call 911. And I’m like, ‘I’m calling 911 for Amanda Berry? I thought this girl was dead.’
Surprisingly, the above blockquote is not an excerpt from the commencement speech at this year’s Drinking Gin And Telling Lies Performance Academy graduation ceremony.
Neighborhood hero Charles Ramsey left no stone unturned while giving a detailed account of the pivotal role he played in aiding Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and a third woman named Michelle Knight escape after being held captive for years.
According to police, the women were being kept in a house in the 2200 block of Seymour Avenue near West 25th Street in Cleveland, Ohio. There’s a great East 1999 – Bone Thugs N’ Harmony joke buried somewhere in the details but I am too lazy to find it.
Leave your favorite quote from Mr. Ramsey in the comments. We are all indebted to him one can of Milwaukee’s Best each for saving lives and the internet tonight.
Special thanks to Karen Civil for passing this shining moment on for my birthday!
You can suck his dick for some Trukfit but if you want a new pair of Lil Wayne‘s sneaker collaboration with Supra you’re going to have to juggle his balls for good measure. So, enjoy that.
In news related to the martian, he was dropped from an endorsement deal with Mountain Dew last week over his controversial reference to Emmett Till on a remix of Future’s “Karate Chop,” which leaked online earlier this year. His publicist, Sarah Cunningham, said that the split was due to “creative differences” and that it was an amicable parting. Girl, good day.
PepsiCo said in a statement that Weezy’s “offensive reference to a revered civil rights icon does not reflect the values of our brand.”
Bend over and let me see it if you attended a fight night party on Saturday for the free meal. Now stand up straight and give yourself a pat on the back.
Like all full-blooded Trapmericans, I don’t give a quarter ounce of a slippery shit about boxing matches void of the phrase “I’m putting this on World Star, nigga!” My appetite understands the concept.
Chicken wings and Bud Light Straw-ber-rita make wonderful focal points at any gathering, might I add. I enjoy creating a scene straight from a Hughes Brothers films when I place beer salt around the rim of my Big Gulp. It lets strangers know that I’m a class act and to approach with caution. I am the embodiment of the illustrious qualities Mac-Bre-Z rapped about on “Go Head” – minus “the ass all on her back” line. Being chunky and still having no ass is another post for another day.
More flicks from Rihanna‘s After Party + Fight at the 40/40 Club in New York City below.
While I was putting the finishing touches on a tray of garlic crab legs while practicing my signature bowlegged stance in a full-length mirror in preparation for my birthday weekend kick-off celebration on Friday (May 3), Hot 97′s Mister Cee was arrested for allegedly soliciting the sweet nectar of a male prostitute.
While I have never purchased ass, I would be spreading falsehoods if I denied selling mine before I turned my life over to Christ. Those Lady Enyce velour jersey dresses didn’t come cheap. However, Cee should have had a V8 not cruised for succulent street meat in a car with that type of engine. Madam, do you not care for your health? If you want to wet your palate with commitment-free new experiences take your simple ass to Taste of Chicago.