I heard screaming. I’m eating my McDonald’s and I come outside, and I see this girl going nuts trying to get out her house. So I go on the porch and she says ‘Help me get out, I been out here a long time.’ So I figure it’s a domestic violence dispute, so I open the door and we can’t get in that way ’cause how the door is, it’s so much that a body can’t fit through it, only a hand. So we kick the bottom, and she comes out with a little girl, and she says ‘Call 911, my name is Amanda Berry . . . When she told me it didn’t register until I got to call 911. And I’m like, ‘I’m calling 911 for Amanda Berry? I thought this girl was dead.’

Surprisingly, the above blockquote is not an excerpt from the commencement speech at this year’s Drinking Gin And Telling Lies Performance Academy graduation ceremony.

Neighborhood hero Charles Ramsey left no stone unturned while giving a detailed account of the pivotal role he played in aiding Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and a third woman named Michelle Knight escape after being held captive for years.

According to police, the women were being kept in a house in the 2200 block of Seymour Avenue near West 25th Street in Cleveland, Ohio. There’s a great East 1999 – Bone Thugs N’ Harmony joke buried somewhere in the details but I am too lazy to find it.

Leave your favorite quote from Mr. Ramsey in the comments. We are all indebted to him one can of Milwaukee’s Best each for saving lives and the internet tonight.

Special thanks to Karen Civil for passing this shining moment on for my birthday!