Only Based God can judge me.

1. Invent middle names that declare their mantra of the moment such as Keisha blessedandbeautiful Johnson or T’Andrea OhSoClassssssy Washington.

2. Complain about their enemies without actually naming the person, knowing that the offender will read the status: “It’s sad how some people are SO PETTY and can’t mind their OWN BUSINESS. I’m gonna pra……y for them because they need Jesus.”

3. Transform into social media ministers by posting bible verses or just making up inspirational quotes: “Men are like a box of Goobers. They seem sweet at first but they’re really just a bunch of nuts.”

4. Use their Facebook status updates to yell at the stars of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives and Love & Hip Hop. (You do know Phaedra and Sheree can’t “hear” you, right?)

5. Post pictures of their Big Chop and other photos to document their “natural hair journey.” (White girls, if you’re confused go to google or ask your black girlfriends what “Big Chop” means.)

CONTINUE READING ON STRAIGHT FROM THE A

Aubrey O’Day would show up to an opening of a box of Lactaid Ultra if it meant that her picture would be taken. Instead of going quietly into the night like Cheri Dennis, the former Danity Kane member is playing a terrible hand in the relevancy game by transforming herself [most noticeably face] and writing occasional blogs for Global Grind.

Girl, I guess.

Sarah Chapman is not happy folks. As you see in the aforementioned picture, homegirl is receiving a pour from “Mr. Take That” himself, Sean Combs and giving a mean side-eye in the process. After being knocked up and having their spawn not publicly acknowledged [well he did take legal responsibility, liven up a bit folks!] I’m sure that the money is being paid for this charade is pretty nice.

But I have to wonder about Sarah and her child Chance, at night, when they see pictures of Diddy with his other girls out and about with Kim “Enabler” Porter. Maybe that’s the basis of the side-eye itself, a passive-aggressive move, that allows her, maybe, just for a quick second, to ask why did I procreate with a mouth-breather who has self-identity issues and doesn’t believe in settling down? Flick via Sandra Rose

Father I stretch my hands to thee! If the following isn’t the work of photoshop  the cunty gang of  singing siblings from BET’s Brother To Brutha may have a few skeletons in their closets. Get you a piece of the premiere zest fest after the jump!

SHAM. FUCKING. WOW. WITH. A. TWIST. OF. LEMON. ZEST. I don’t know, this feels like that crazy puzzle ad on MySpace with the frog / orange peel. The devil is truly busy! Get in on the full length action at The Gossip Jacker.

SAD LIL’ MAMA FACE RATING [OUT OF 5]

Following comments made during an interview on satellite radio where he detailed a night out with Diddy that ended at a possibly gay club, rapper Xzibit has released a statement to clarify reports.

Despite how the interview sounded, X states “I have no beef with Diddy,” according to the title of his most recent MySpace blog. The rapper claims that his comments in a recent interview was not intended to be malicious in anyway.

“I wake up this morning and my phone is going nuts. I turn on the computer and find all this sh** about me “throwing puffy under the gay bus” … whatever that means,” X writes. “All this SPIN that you journalist[s] are putting on the statements I made on a radio show — to DIRECTLY effect a guy in a manor not intended — is wrong.

“I got a call yesterday (which caught me off guard) from Diddy himself, stating the club was an after hours spot called ‘Space’ I believe. The rumor mill that has ground this bullsh** out to be the sh** storm that it is, is doing so on its own accord. Like I said at the top, I have no beef with Diddy.”

“All this SPIN that you journalist[s] are putting on the statements I made on a radio show.” Boy, bye! First off, most people who are writing about this are far from real journalists. I know I am. I am above this. I am Queen. As a graduate of the Fantasia Barrino Instatoot of Fine Literature And Quick Weaves I must make that shit clear.

Secondly negro, you willingly made the comment about booty holes and what not, so don’t go trying to retract statements now. It’s too late, the damage has been done! You already know that Puffy has already hired a team of sexy assassins hit men [Cheri + Kim] to handle you.

Diddy is going to have your ass [sweet or unsweetened] singing at Natalie’s for Detective Torres by the end of the week. Good luck with that.

Jermaine Jakes, son of The Potter’s House pastor T.D. Jakes, has been arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

According to a Dallas Police Department arrest warrant affidavit obtained by CBS 11 News, Jakes exposed himself to two undercover vice detectives at Keist Park on Jan. 3.

The affidavit says Jakes walked up to one of the detectives at the park with his pants unzipped. Jakes then began to masturbate while making eye contact with the detective, according to the affidavit.

The detectives arrested Jakes on a charge of indecent exposure.

Late Wednesday evening, CBS 11 News received a statement from Faith Johnson, an attorney for Jermaine Jakes. The statement read:

“We are aware of potential allegations involving Jermaine Jakes and are undertaking our own investigation of these allegations at this time. Given an apparent government investigation, we have no further comment at this time.”

Thursday morning, Dallas County Sheriff’s Department spokeswoman Kimberlee Leach said Jermaine Jakes surrendered to law enforcement authorities earlier in the day. Jakes turned himself in at a local jail, Leach said, but she did not know which jail.

After his surrender Thursday morning, a judge released Jakes on a personal recognizance bond.

In documents obtained by TMZ, Kimono The Big Japanese Man tried to block Uncle Russell from joint custody of their two Kimussells by petitioning for sole custody when she filed for divorce back in March.

God don’t like ugly. I would hate to see Uncle Russell give Kimono the Miss Celie “everything you done to me I already done to you” speech and two fingers of death.

Digimon, you see what type of broad you are dealing with now?

Donkey must have that thunda lightning [copyright Khia] because these broads can’t seem to stay away from him.

Eddie Murphy looks like he’s quickly getting over producer Tracey Edmonds. The couple split in January, shortly after an unofficial wedding ceremony in Bora Bora. And since March, Eddie’s been secretly dating gorgeous waitress Lara LaRue, the sister of CSI: Miami star Eva LaRue.

Lara works at Sushiya on Sunset Boulevard in LA, and according to Eddie’s pal, “He is already telling his friends that he is in love.” Lara, a sometime-model and a ringer for Eddie’s ex-wife Nicole Murphy, admitted to In Touch: “I know Eddie. He’s an amazing guy. I respect him and he respects me.” An insider reveals that Lara and Eddie met while bowling and have been keeping the relationship quiet. Eddie and Lara share the same April 3 birthday — but Eddie is 47 and Lara is 25. A pal says, “He’s been sending Lara huge floral arrangements practically every day and is talking about moving in together.” [source]

Eva couldn’t help her sister land a gig as an extra? There’s no point in keeping nepotism alive in Hollywood if no one besides the Knowles family is going to use it.

But I digress.

Don’t date him girl! Unless of course you want John Nay Nay to show up at your front door at 4am singing “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” with a fifth of Hennessey in his right hand and a baseball bat in the left.

Besides, who in their right mind would want to walk around with a hoof print on their twat? Yeah I said it.

WHAT TYPE OF GET TOGETHER WAS THIS, REALLY?