Archive for the 'The Captain Obvious News Report' Category

Raven Symone Didn’t Get Impregnated By Her Gay Best Friend, But You Already Knew That

Posted by Fresh on July 10, 2009

Martin + Raven

What happens when websites run out of news stories to report on? They start making up shit, but you already knew that. Why not use some of that energy to do a little investigative reporting about the shit we really want to get to the bottom of. I have been trying to figure out how many rings are around Kimora’s neck for years.

Rookies.

The Internet has been abuzz with whispers of a possible pregnancy – and, by some accounts, birth – for That’s So Raven star Raven-Symoné, but the rumors have been put to rest.

“Raven-Symoné is not pregnant nor did she give birth,” her rep tells PEOPLE.

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Thanks For Breaking It Down For Us, The Captain Obvious News Report, Why Isn't CNN Covering This? |

Mook’s Minute: Okay Wanda, We’ve Known

Posted by Mook on November 17, 2008

Wanda Sykes was at an anti Prop 8 rally in Vegas yesterday and told the crowd what we’ve known for years:

“[After Barack Obama was elected,] I thought, man we are moving in the right direction. And then at about 11 o’clock I was crushed. We took a huge leap forward and then got dragged 12 feet back. I felt like I was being attacked, personally attacked, our community was attacked. I got married Oct. 25, I don’t really talk about my sexual orientation, I felt like I was living my life, I wasn’t in the closet, but I was just living my life.

Everybody who knows me personally, they know I’m gay. And that’s the way people should be
able to live our lives, really. We shouldn’t have to be standing out here demanding something we automatically should have as citizens of this country. They pissed off the wrong group of people. They have galvanized a community.

We are so together now and we all want the same thing and we shouldn’t have to settle for less. Instead of having gay marriage in California, no, we’re gonna have gay marriage across the country. When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage also recognized in Nevada, in Arizona, all the way to New York. … I’m proud to be a woman, I’m proud to be a black woman and I’m proud to be gay.”

Latifah, you’re next…

Okay . . . And?, The Captain Obvious News Report |

And You Are Telling Us This Now Because?

Posted by Fresh on September 24, 2008

clay And You Are Telling Us This Now Because?

Clay Aiken appears on the cover of the latest People magazine holding his infant son, Parker Foster Aiken, with the headline: “Yes, I’m Gay.”

The 29-year-old former “American Idol” runner-up, multiplatinum recording artist and Broadway star credits his son, conceived by in-vitro fertilization with friend and producer Jaymes Foster, with making him realize that he could no longer hide his homosexuality from the world.

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Okay . . . And?, The Captain Obvious News Report |

Okay . . . And?

Posted by Fresh on May 7, 2008

star2 Okay . . . And?

Babara Walters revealed on Oprah on Tuesday that she knew about Star Jones’ gastric bypass surgery long before she admitted it to the public, the rest of “The View” women lied to keep it a secret because Jones didn’t want to talk about it.

More breaking news: Water is wet, fire is hot, Al likes hot man chowder splashed on his back in the morning, and tang isn’t just for breakfast.

“She decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody,” Walters said on Tuesday’s “Oprah.” “Then we had to lie on the set every day because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

I’ve never really liked Barbara Walters because she always put me in the mind of that one old ass woman at the office who would act all chummy with you in the morning and then go back and snitch to your boss about you returning from lunch five minutes late.

Star Jones spoke out to Us magazine about Babs, saying “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.”

The Captain Obvious News Report |

I’m Just Saying . . .

Posted by Fresh on April 24, 2008

During an interview with Angie Martinez earlier this week 50 Cent said Missy Eliott may have motorboat former G-Unit artist Olivia while working on her project. Look, don’t be mad that Missy gets more snatch than everybody in the squad! Curtis probably has been on the receiving end of way more peen than she will ever see on this side, so can we just call it even?

Random Displays of Bitchassedness, The Captain Obvious News Report |

Quick Quotes

Posted by Fresh on March 20, 2008

mc1 Quick Quotes

“I’m eternally 12. And that 12-year-old inside me is an eternal optimist. I know what it feels like not to have fame or money, and I do still feel like that same person in many ways. Honestly, I don’t even have birthdays. I call them ‘anniversaries.’ It really is about being as young as you feel. Some people convince themselves they’re old, or they think, ‘I have to grow up now; I can’t have fun.’ I will still always choose a day at Disney World over a night in Las Vegas, because that’s who I am. “

- – Mimi talks about getting older in Parade magazine

So that explains the fascination with butterflies and goody goody gum drops. Goodness.

[Flicks + quotes via ONTD]

Thanks For Breaking It Down For Us, The Captain Obvious News Report |

My Eyes Have A Toothache

Posted by Fresh on December 17, 2007

My Eyes Have A Toothache

norwoodsexy1 My Eyes Have A Toothache

Too damn sweet. Norwood Young’s zest is like a big ass piece of red velvet cake. Got milk?

Fresh,

Good Morning. I know it’s a bit early for Christmas but I know you would like to see this right here under your tree wrapped in a big red bow with nothing but his silk boxers on. Yes, my friend, Norwood Young was spotted at Victoria Rowell’s Christmas Something or other over the weekend. And, are my eyes deceiving me or could it be possible that Norwood and Darius McCrary were separated at birth. I’m sure this would make a great “Before and After” surgery photo for Mr. Young. I’m also sure that Superhead has made a sandwich of herself between these two!!!!!! (EWWWW, I just threw up in my mouth from that visual)!!!!!! I guess we should be anxiously awaiting Superhead’s first rap single featuring NorWood on vocals any day now!!!!!! Anyways, Happy Holidays from your friends over at StyleRazzi!!!!!

~Razzi

dariusnorwood My Eyes Have A Toothache

norlue My Eyes Have A Toothache

The Captain Obvious News Report |

No Shit

Posted by Fresh on November 8, 2007

No Shit


jlom1 No Shit
I love it when things I bitch about come to fruition.

Jennifer Lopez finally confirmed her pregnancy during her performance at Miami’s American Airlines Arena on Wednesday night. While no one really seemed to give two wet farts, the announcement caught Skeletor off guard.
After Lopez broke the news, she turned to her husband of three years and said, “I hope you don’t mind.”

Anthony shrugged his shoulders, caressed Lopez’s belly and leaned over to kiss it, saying, “No, I don’t mind at all. … I didn’t know she was going to talk.”

“This is a special time in our lives,” Lopez said from the stage, People magazine reported. “And we waited until the last show to tell you.” Now, she added, the couple will “go away for a while.”

Thank God for small favors.
The Captain Obvious News Report |

No Shit

Posted by Fresh on July 31, 2007

No Shit

Star Jones has revealed in a first person essay for Glamour magazine that the “medical intervention” responsible for her dramatic weight loss was the result of undergoing gastric bypass.

In other news, scientists have discovered that water is wet, fire is hot, and Al Reynolds is as zesty as an entire bottle of A1 steak sauce.

sj No ShitReynolds, who weighed 307 pounds at her heaviest, says her ”out-of-control behavior” began around her 40th birthday in 2002. Feeling lonely, she turned to food for comfort and gained 75 pounds over the course of 17 months.

”I used to look in the mirror and take pride in my figure, but that was when I was legitimately a full-figured woman,” she says. ”I’d gradually gone from full-figured to morbidly obese.”

Reynolds opted for surgery after a friend expressed concern about her weight. It was a success, she says, though she found she was ‘’still consumed with the same anger, shame and insecurity as before.”

Her husband, banker Al Reynolds, encouraged her to begin psychological therapy in the summer of 2005. She learned, among other things, that she ”couldn’t control what others thought,” she says. She began to heal by talking openly about her weight loss to strangers.

The Captain Obvious News Report |