Don’t get all bourgeois on everybody now, girlfriend.

With Rev. Puddin presiding, Marquisa Benford and Donahvan Gray made their love official hours following the Royal Wedding by jumping the broom at a Detroit area White Castle on Friday. It was like Thelma and Keith’s wedding on Good Times but only without Michael’s soul-stirring solo and threats of physical violence from Sweet Daddy Williams. And napkins. Lots of napkins.

Thanks Brett!

Jazz Ison Sinkfield is on a quest for the opportunity to be introduced to Tyler Perry’s fairy godmother Oprah as well as garner the attention of other celebrities with her 24-inch fingernails. The Atlanta grandmother has gone without bowling, typing on a computer, or lacing up her Cool Greys for going on two — count em’ two — decades. And let’s not get on the topic of doodie hole maintenance.

Her “divine gift” as she refers to it comes with a hefty price tag — $250 per month on her 5-hour long manicure sessions and mean mugs and shoulder shrugs from stranger ass hoes. To the latter Lady Jazz says, “I feel as if you can be entitled to your opinions but don’t be mean about it.”

Damn right! Watch:

Pay homage and send flowers while he is still living, people.

Having a grill full of Trojan Magnum wrappers wasn’t enough for Celebrity Seaborn’s regular customer Pastor Dot (and you shaded Minister Ja’Von yesterday), so she upped the ante and coon factor several levels for “the haters” with a new ‘do just in time for her Minister Ball. The Lord’s favor ain’t far.

BONUS:

B-O-O-S-I-E. That’s he.

Here’s something I doubt you will witness on Oxygen’s Hair Battle Spectacular this season! Armed with his omnipresent bitch swatter (’cause they do tend to get out of line more during summer months), Mr. Hoe Tester’s appearance at Bigga Rankin’s all white party last week served as a curt reminder to why the Now Child Left Behind Act was signed into law. I’m willing to overlook all that, though.

Previously: Getting Tipsy

My participation in drop it low contests may have came to an end around the time Lisa Wu Hartwell stole her first box of checks from Keith Sweat but if you feel the sudden urge to scream out  “Cash Money Records taking over fah dah nine nine two thousand!” I promise I won’t judge you.

Hundreds of your blood relatives proved that once a ratchet bitch always a ratchet bitch by flocking to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to show off record breaking amounts of stretch marks, protruding belly buttons, flea market tattoos, arms, legs, backs, and breasts while walking down streets paved with gold fronts during this year’s Black Bike Week.

If heaven had a height it would be this tall.

Now, aren’t you glad you checked “that” box on your 2010 Census? Thanks Wilmo!

Before you cry foul over Sandra Bullock’s best actress win and join Mookie in hurling an aluminum trash can through your neighborhood’s pizzeria take a moment to sit back and reflect on harder times.

Taking a cue from The View, the mothers of Hip-Hop and R&B “greats” T-Pain, Lil Wayne, and Go-Go have decided to come together as one to impart wisdom on some of these wayward hoes walking around here.

The middle-aged sex kittens are set to produce a pilot soon for television networks. Prepare to clutch your pearls as the threesome breaks down hood fights from World Star Hip Hop and give tips on how to drive the stank out of your kitchen after cooking chitlins.

While many Black Americans pop their collars when speaking about President Obama they will need a crash course on accepting the sex appeal oozing from Mama Pain. Her Celebrity Seaborn five star status hair, tatted up hand, velvet pants, and stunting-on-you-hoes posture will have all the kids screaming her name but will surely be frowned down upon by the uppity crowd.

And that’s just the beginning of her problems.

An insider exclusively revealed to us after bible study last week that her Creole status is still up in the air, a problem that could potentially be devastating to her public image. But as long as she is as tough as the skin on her son’s bottom lip she will be just fine. Put her on your prayer list.

Flick via Rap Up

Never mind the random floor fan and Wrangler jeans in the background. I have witnessed hundreds of inebriated strangers take their sexual frustrations out on each other on the dance floor but nothing quite like this. Is it better to be the licker or the lickee?

Crunkfam, why must I cry? Why hast thou forsaken me? And lastly, why have I been the one chosen to deliver all this preposterous ass news to you? I mean, really. This here shit I’m about to report to you is so outlandish and audacious that I had to put it in memorandum format. Yes yes ya’ll, it’s that serious. That said, let’s get it.

Columbus, Ohio. Home of the Ohio State Buckeyes, Shad “Lil Mama” Moss, Bizzy Bone, and…ONE. OF. THE DUMBEST. MUTHA. FUCKAS. ALIVE named Stephfon Bennett. Who dis here bastard you ask? Please allow me to elaborate.

Stephfon Bennett (no kin to Tony) is a menace to society who robs folks for a living. He and his friends live by that MC Eiht motto, “I gots ta get mine, so Imma take yours.” And that’s exactly what they did one Sunday afternoon when they decided to rob the home of Diana Martinez.

Martinez was parking her car in front of her apartment complex and chatting with a friend when Bennett and his insane clown posse barged inside her home and ransacked the place. Once they were done filling their bags with gold, frankincense, and flat screen TV’s, they fled the apartment and ran towards their getaway car. On the way there, Bennett noticed Martinez sitting in her car. For whatever dumb ass reason, he approached the vehicle and pointed a gun at her head through the window. Martinez screamed, flung the car door open, and slammed it into Bennett, creating quite the man down, code ten sitchiation. And here, my friends, is where the shit went left.

Bennett squealed like a biatch, limped away, and hopped inside the getaway car. As the ass clowns sped off, Martinez flew up to her apartment, discovered she’d been robbed, and called her cousin and nem to come over and help her figure out who was finna get moved on. An hour later, there was a knock at the door. Martinez went to open it, and to her surprise, saw Bennett standing on the other side. Was he there to apologize for almost blowing her brains out? Or for tearing up her apartment? Or to return her shit? Nope! None of the above ladies and gents. The prick was there to…waaait for it…ask her out on a date! I repeat. Ask her out on a mufuckin date…

So while Bennett’s stoopid ass stood there tolm bout, “Skrait up honey really I’m axin, most of these felluhs thank they be mackin, but they be ackin…” Martinez’s cousin slipped out of the room and called the PO-leece. When they arrived, Bennett was still standin there tryna convince Martinez to just forget about the past and let him take her out for a hot wang dinnuh Bennett was promptly arrested and is currently set in that jail til he near bout dun rot to deaf on a $100,000 bond. The other two numb nuts remain at large.

Bottom Damn Line: Fuck mixin bidness with pleasure. For you can’t steal a woman’s shit, den ask her out so you can hit, and thank she gon be down wit it.

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