“Ramen Noodle Soup” Is The Best Rap Song Of 2013

Surprisingly, “I put water in that pot and start boiling” isn’t an opening line on yet another Gucci Mane song produced by Zaytoven detailing the splendors of cooking crack. I went from slightly embracing my African American roots to saying “I’m Black and I’m proud” with the conviction of Michael Evans in a matter of minutes. The movement finally has a soundtrack. God bless you, Internet.

News Break: Romance And Robbery Come Together As Man Proposes After Arrest

Sean Foxx, 27, proposed to his girlfriend, Treila Woods, 24, after the pair had just been arrested in connection with an aggravated robbery at a Family Dollar Store.

Ain’t Black love grand? Those “girl, get you some in-house dick” articles in Essence are really effective for some women.

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Sexial Napalm: Jazz Ison Sinkfield

you mad1 Sexial Napalm: Jazz Ison Sinkfield

Jazz Ison Sinkfield is on a quest for the opportunity to be introduced to Tyler Perry’s fairy godmother Oprah as well as garner the attention of other celebrities with her 24-inch fingernails. The Atlanta grandmother has gone without bowling, typing on a computer, or lacing up her Cool Greys for going on two — count em’ two — decades. And let’s not get on the topic of doodie hole maintenance.

Her “divine gift” as she refers to it comes with a hefty price tag — $250 per month on her 5-hour long manicure sessions and mean mugs and shoulder shrugs from stranger ass hoes. To the latter Lady Jazz says, “I feel as if you can be entitled to your opinions but don’t be mean about it.”

Damn right! Watch:

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Come And Get Your Auntie Please: Another Satisfied Customer For Celebrity Seaborn

Having a grill full of Trojan Magnum wrappers wasn’t enough for Celebrity Seaborn’s regular customer Pastor Dot (and you shaded Minister Ja’Von yesterday), so she upped the ante and coon factor several levels for “the haters” with a new ‘do just in time for her Minister Ball. The Lord’s favor ain’t far.

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Sexual Napalm: Mr. Hoe Tester

mr hoe tester Sexual Napalm: Mr. Hoe Tester

B-O-O-S-I-E. That’s he.

Here’s something I doubt you will witness on Oxygen’s Hair Battle Spectacular this season! Armed with his omnipresent bitch swatter (’cause they do tend to get out of line more during summer months), Mr. Hoe Tester’s appearance at Bigga Rankin’s all white party last week served as a curt reminder to why the Now Child Left Behind Act was signed into law. I’m willing to overlook all that, though.

Previously: Getting Tipsy

You Sent It: The Sheer Magnificence That Is Black Bike Week

wtf my You Sent It: The Sheer Magnificence That Is Black Bike Week

My participation in drop it low contests may have came to an end around the time Lisa Wu Hartwell stole her first box of checks from Keith Sweat but if you feel the sudden urge to scream out  “Cash Money Records taking over fah dah nine nine two thousand!” I promise I won’t judge you.

Hundreds of your blood relatives proved that once a ratchet bitch always a ratchet bitch by flocking to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to show off record breaking amounts of stretch marks, protruding belly buttons, flea market tattoos, arms, legs, backs, and breasts while walking down streets paved with gold fronts during this year’s Black Bike Week.

If heaven had a height it would be this tall.

Now, aren’t you glad you checked “that” box on your 2010 Census? Thanks Wilmo!

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