R. Kelly covered his pedophile phalanges in a pair of red leather gloves at the ‘Trapped In The Closet’ New York screening last week. Shit gets real after ‘Law & Order: SVU’ marathons. Flush the semen and leave no finger prints!
Subtract 40 minutes from your life by watching the latest volume of ‘Trapped In The Closet’ after the jump!
’7 Things You Need To Know About The New Trapped In The Closet Chapters’ by Uproxx contributor Josh Kurp:
1. The new chapters are just as good and as bonkers (and, to use an oft-repeated word by Kelly, “silly” — he also described himself as an astronaut, and Trapped is an alien) as the original 22, if not more so. They take on a different framing device this time, though, with Sylvester, Pimp Lucius, Rosie, etc. being interviewed on a mysterious Jerry Springer-like TV show. There’s also an amazing minute-long scene involving Kelly giving directions.
2. Expect more details about Sylvester’s background with Pimp Lucius (and the pimp’s surprise parents), Rosie and Randolph’s martial problems, Tina and Roxanne’s relationship, Sylvester and Twan’s business deals, a new gangster character with shark-like metal teeth and a DMX-inspired rasp named Beeno, and best of all, a therapy session between Rufus and his wife, Cathy. No Sgt. James, as played by Michael K. Williams, though.
3. How many chapters of Trapped is Kelly planning? “I want everybody to know I’ve got 85 chapters of Trapped in the Closet waiting in the studio for y’all,” he said. “The chapters that are coming – the show, we call it – is going to exceed every chapter that you have ever seen.” More terrible green screen, please.
4. Trapped in the Closet is being adapted into a Broadway musical starring Kelly. YES. “And the winner of the Outstanding Nervous Eye Twitch By a Former Prostitute goes to…” He’s currently figuring out the logistics — how many characters can he play? will he travel with the show?, etc. — but soon, Big Man will be rubbing kneecaps with the ladies from Chicago.
5. Pimp Lucius is inspired by Kelly’s stepfather, who also stutters. No word on the blind prostitute.
6. Tyrese Gibson, he of Fast Five and Transformers fame, wanted in on Trapped, but Kelly turned him down, saying he only wants to cast largely unknown actors in the series.
7. R. KELLY ENDED THE Q&A BY SINGING A VERSE FROM “I BELIEVE I CAN FLY” AND I’M PRETTY SURE AT LEAST 29 VAGINAS MELTED AND EVERY MAN THERE FELT INSECURE FOR 30 MINUTES KNOWING THAT THEY’LL NEVER BE AS SMOOTH AS KELLS’S VOICE AND HE WORE RED LEATHER GLOVES AND SANG THE BEGINNING OF “BUMP AND GRIND” AND OUT-OF-CONTEXT SAID “WOW, LUKE [SKYWALKER] IS AWESOME” AND R. KELLY IS THE BEST. #soulacoaster