Crunkland! I’m baaaack. It’s ya girl Denise Wheatley, crawling out from undaneef my rock to do what I do best: Present you with a brutiful bouquet of felonious fuckery. You ready? Let’s get it.

Blue Springs, Missouri. Home of American Idol’s David Cook, a couple of NBA players not worth mentioning, a couple of NFL players not worth mentioning, and one dastardly bastard by the name of Marlon Brando Gill. Who dis you ask? Please allow me to elaborate.

Marlon Brando Gill (no kin to the stoopid frooty R&B swooner Johnny) is an abrusive prick whose mother had the audacity to name him after the late great Godfather himself, the real Marlon Brando. Gill is the type of man who likes to smack his bitch up (The Prodigy’s words, not mine). But one day he took a domestic dispute with his 24-year old girlfriend, Melinda Abell, to a hoe…nuthuh…levuh. What he did to this woman is hard to believe. But buhlee me, *sings* this here is on some truuufful shit.

It was a Friday morning. 4:52am to be exact. Gill and Abell were in the midst of a heated argument. Gill was accusing her of being unfaithful. Abell was denying it. Gill didn’t believe her. Abell continued to defend herself. In the middle of their rant, her cell phone rang. She couldn’t have picked a worser time to have her ringer aaalluh way tuuurnt up. Gill, assuming it was one of her jumpoffs calling, insisted that she hand over the phone. Abell refrused. A struggle ensued. Gill was determined to get that damn phone, by any means necessary. But Abell wasn’t havin it. Cuz all hu life she had tuh fight. And here, my friends, is where the shit went left.

Abell pulled herself up outta Gill’s vice grip. She held her mouth wide open. And then…hold up, ya’ll. I need to take a Whitney Houston-stoppin-in-the-middle-of-a-concert break. Cuz I’m over here sweatin and mouf breevin and shit while I’m tryna type. This is just too much for me…

Okay. What had happened was, Abell took her phone, shoved it inside of her mouth, and swallowed it! You heard me! The bitch opted to swallow her damn phone rather than give it to her man! I think I’d rather have a dick stuck to my gut than a phone stuck in my throat.

So while Abell stood there choking, Gill called the po-leece and told them that his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. His dumb ass failed to mention that it was because she’d eaten an iPhone. An ambulance rushed to the scene and transported Abell to St. Mary’s Medical Center, where doctors performed emergency surgery to remove the celly.

Now here, my friends, is where the shit took another left. Since Abell was unable to speak during the incident, she hadn’t given the police a statement of her own. So after the surgery, ya girl immejiately informed them that Gill had lied. What had really happened was he’d grabbed her by the mouth and shoved the phone in until it became lodged in her throat. As a result, Gill was charged with felony assault and sentenced to six years in prison.

Sidebar: Doesn’t this sound like the type of shit Gucci Mahn’s ignorant ass would do? But instead of a cell phone, he woulda stuffed this po lady’s thote wittuh bag fulluh lemaaahns. (It’s GU-CHEE!…yaah, yaah)

Bottom Damn Line: Fuck a violent ass man who’s possessive and demeaning. For he’ll only cause you strife and give “deep throat” a whole new meaning.

Want more? Follow me on Twitter!