Crunkfam, why must I cry? Why hast thou forsaken me? And lastly, why have I been the one chosen to deliver all this preposterous ass news to you? I mean, really. This here shit I’m about to report to you is so outlandish and audacious that I had to put it in memorandum format. Yes yes ya’ll, it’s that serious. That said, let’s get it.

Columbus, Ohio. Home of the Ohio State Buckeyes, Shad “Lil Mama” Moss, Bizzy Bone, and…ONE. OF. THE DUMBEST. MUTHA. FUCKAS. ALIVE named Stephfon Bennett. Who dis here bastard you ask? Please allow me to elaborate.

Stephfon Bennett (no kin to Tony) is a menace to society who robs folks for a living. He and his friends live by that MC Eiht motto, “I gots ta get mine, so Imma take yours.” And that’s exactly what they did one Sunday afternoon when they decided to rob the home of Diana Martinez.

Martinez was parking her car in front of her apartment complex and chatting with a friend when Bennett and his insane clown posse barged inside her home and ransacked the place. Once they were done filling their bags with gold, frankincense, and flat screen TV’s, they fled the apartment and ran towards their getaway car. On the way there, Bennett noticed Martinez sitting in her car. For whatever dumb ass reason, he approached the vehicle and pointed a gun at her head through the window. Martinez screamed, flung the car door open, and slammed it into Bennett, creating quite the man down, code ten sitchiation. And here, my friends, is where the shit went left.

Bennett squealed like a biatch, limped away, and hopped inside the getaway car. As the ass clowns sped off, Martinez flew up to her apartment, discovered she’d been robbed, and called her cousin and nem to come over and help her figure out who was finna get moved on. An hour later, there was a knock at the door. Martinez went to open it, and to her surprise, saw Bennett standing on the other side. Was he there to apologize for almost blowing her brains out? Or for tearing up her apartment? Or to return her shit? Nope! None of the above ladies and gents. The prick was there to…waaait for it…ask her out on a date! I repeat. Ask her out on a mufuckin date…

So while Bennett’s stoopid ass stood there tolm bout, “Skrait up honey really I’m axin, most of these felluhs thank they be mackin, but they be ackin…” Martinez’s cousin slipped out of the room and called the PO-leece. When they arrived, Bennett was still standin there tryna convince Martinez to just forget about the past and let him take her out for a hot wang dinnuh Bennett was promptly arrested and is currently set in that jail til he near bout dun rot to deaf on a $100,000 bond. The other two numb nuts remain at large.

Bottom Damn Line: Fuck mixin bidness with pleasure. For you can’t steal a woman’s shit, den ask her out so you can hit, and thank she gon be down wit it.

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