Cruuunklaaand! What’s gwans? It’s ya girl Denise Wheatley, back in the building to bring you more of the criminal-minded type fuckery that all our hearts so desire. Let’s get it!

Detroit, Michigan. Home of Motown Records, Aaliyah (RIP), Madonna, Aretha Franklin and those infamous tittays, and one parched ass 27-year old idiot who chose to remain anonymous due to the embarrassing, guttahbutt shit I’m about to tell you. So for clarity’s sake, let’s just call her Thirstyanna Desperato. Who dis here woman you ask? Please allow me to elaborate.

Thirstyanna Desperato is a big dummy who met a 23-year old freak show by the name of Terrance Dejuan McCoy (no kin to LisaRaye) one fateful evening at Greektown Casino, where he was apparently looking to luck up on some riches and some ass (Fail Number One). Upon their meeting, McCoy introduced himself only as Chris, and while Desperato got both his cell phone number and his photo which he’d texted to her, she never got his full or real name (Fail Number Two).

The pair chatted for about a week before making arrangements for a first date. Desperato agreed to drive to McCoy’s apartment, pick his no-car-havin ass up, and chauffer him to Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant (Fail Number Three). During dinner, McCoy made sure he got good and full. Afterwards, he told Desperato that he’d left his wallet in her car and asked for the keys. She handed them right on over (Fail Number Four). And here, my friends, is where the shit went left.

Desperato remained seated in the boof and stared lovingly out the window, watching as McCoy approached her vehicle. What she expected to see was McCoy retch in, fetch his wallet, and scurry back inside the restaurant so that he could pay the bill. What she actually saw was McCoy hop up in her caaaar, turn her shit oooon, take a look in the mirror and speed off. Yeeeeah, yo gurl got rizooobbed, ooooh!

Po thang. Desperato prolly jumped up and yelled, “Why you wanna lu-eee me!” (c) Gucci Mane before calling the police from the restaurant and reporting the incident. When police arrived, Desperato informed them that McCoy not only got away with her 2000 Chevy Impala, but he also had her backpack, which contained $300 cash, her laptop comprutah, her iPod, and and and and (c) Ike Turner Stutter her digital camera (Fail Number Five).

Desperato admitted to police that she only knew McCoy as Chris and hadn’t gotten his full name. Due to the lack of information, police were unable to locate McCoy and recover Desperato’s vehicle immejiately. It took a few weeks to locate her car, which was found with the radio missing. It took a few months to locate McCoy, who’d actually made his arrest a little easier thanks to his cell phone number, which Desperato had turned over, along with the photo that his stoopid ass had texted to her.

Naturally, this wasn’t McCoy’s first conviction. He was arrested for unarmed robbery back in 2005, and was wanted for absconding from probation. He is currently set in that jail til he near bout dun rot to deaf on a $25,000 cash bond.

Bottom Damn Line: Fuck goin all out for an imposter who prolly got less class than Frankie and mo kids than Cafeteria. For you may end up paying for a wack ass date with an unlawful mate who’ll leave you car-less and irate.

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