Excuse my absence today, I had some official grown woman business to take care of. Trust me, I would have rather been here crunking with you all than sitting across from a loan officer [I got approved, thank you] for the majority of my day.

But I digress.

Shaq had some . . . magically delicious . . . yeah, words for former teammate Kobe Bryant during a freestyle captured by TMZ’s camera.

Shaquille O’Neal took the mic at a NYC club last night, unleashing a freestyle verbal assault directed at his arch-enemy Kobe Bryant — blaming his former teammate for ruining his marriage and imploring him to “Tell me how my ass tastes.”

After spending several verses shredding Kobe apart for losing in the NBA playoffs, Shaq drops the line, “I’m a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that’s why I’m getting divorced.”

The line most likely references a comment Kobe made during his infamous 2003 rape case, when he told Colorado police that he “Should have done what Shaq does … Shaq would pay his women not to say anything.” The two became famously bitter rivals after the incident. [source]

Now that’s the realest shit I’ve ever heard. I’m going to get that tatted across my chest, right under the McDonald’s dollar menu.