Archive for July, 2005

Commericals That Get On My Last Nerve

Posted by Fresh on July 10, 2005

Listamania! Commericals That Get On My Last Nerve

The Niggar Family Wins A Contest For Free Chicken
Every single time I see the commercial for BET’s KFC “Get Together” contest I roll my eyes. Out of all the companies in the world they picked KFC. $500 worth of damn chicken, and then BET turns around and have a special on obesity. WTF? How about $500 Subway coupons or something? The Niggar family sitting there at their family reunion enjoying their chicken smiling and shit doesn’t make it better. In my opinion it feels as if they are giving into a stereotype. They might as well throw in a free gallon of red kool aid and some watermelon slices while they are at it.

Colgate’s “The Closer I Get To You The More You Make Me Smile”
Someone should’ve lost their job for pitching that idea.

Old Navy’s “Super Flirt”
It’s bad enough MC Lyte is moonlighting as a rapper again telling females to “bust a tunic” already but this commercial was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I remember the very first time I saw it during an episode of I Love the 80’s I couldn’t believe my ears. Four overly elated white women (plus one token nigga) dancing around in those bohemian skirts made both my eyes and ears bleed. I turned around to face the television screen and then thought out loud “no no no no no, they’re butchering a classic!”.

The Niggar Family Loves Wal Mart
I’m from Smallsville, Georgia so the local Wal Mart is basically the mall down here. At any given time you can go to Wal Mart and see half of your graduating class from high school. Its sad but its the truth. Anyways, in the commercials for Wal mart they advertise the stores as being an organize store you can take care of all of your shopping needs. Which is true but its a total fabrication of how the actual stores usually are. Screaming babies, long lines, rude cashiers (you went to high school with, see how that works?), and old people who always run their carts into your heels. Whenever I shop at Wal Mart I have to put my game face on because there is no telling if Fresh is going to have to choke a bitch.

Wac Arnold’s Fruit Buzz
First of all let me say that’s I’m not spending $4 on some shit I can make myself for two dollars cheaper. This is yet another example of a product being able to take all your stress away. Who knew that your day could go by so smoothly by just relaxing with your girls in the backyard munching on overpriced grapes and yogurt?

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Being Bobby Brown Episode Three Summary

Posted by Fresh on July 8, 2005

Being Bobby Brown Episode Three Summary

Episode Synopsis: They Should Have Never Gave You Niggas Money!

- In the opening scene, Bobby tries to convince Whitney to buy him some conflict free diamonds (ha ha, Kanye) via a studded watch. Whitney says that it looks like a woman’s and refuses, sorry!


- To coon or not to coon, that is the question. And Bobby always decides to do some form of jigging in every episode. Last week it was dancing at Mr. Chopstix now he’s getting down with Sophia from The Golden Girls (thank you for being a friend!). This lil’ poor elderly white woman probably has no idea who he is.


- Mohammed got that work nigga! Mohammed hooks Bobby up with some Egyptian Viagra.


- I’m Bobby Brown, bitch. I don’t think the Dalai Lama knew who he was until he was introduced as Whitney Houston’s husband. Damn, out of all the black celebs in the world Bobby’s ass bumps into the muthafuckin Dalai Lama.


- Bobby proves himself to be a free ATM as he gives some local hoodrat some rent money. And he gave her the shit! I hope she takes a few dollars and buy her some Doo Grow for them edges because that shit looks ate.the.fuck.up.


- This speaks for itself.

- How many times have you asked yourself “why is my shoe following me?” after a long night of drinks? I know I have nigga! Wooo, good times. Whitney however isn’t amused at all with Bobby’s hijinks and reminds him he has kids and needs to grow up. In a drunken slur of words Bobby finally proclaims he isn’t drunk anymore as Whit closes two double doors behind her. Mr. Brown shouts out “you better close them fucking doors” and reminds us all about his most recent court appearance. Way to go Bobby.

- Don’t forget kids: Horse playing a domestic violence episode is one excellent way to show your love.

A glimpse into the future . . .

The Browns go camping

Quick Buzz

- On her way to prison, Lil Kim says “shut up bitch” to the negative folks. Including Star Jones

- “The Fugees was a conspiracy to control, to manipulate and to encourage dependence,” - Lauryn Hill

- Bang Bang Bang! Bobby and Whitney want more kids

- Speaking of procreation, Claudette Ortiz of City High fame (ok, not really) is pregnant with her second child with group member Ryan Toby. Congrats!

- Raz-B to perform at a gay black men’s pride celebration. Surprised? I’m not. (Via Boogie Tonight)

- In B2K related news, pray for Omarion.

Well I’m off to watch Hair Show on BET. Yes I’m that desperate tonight. Where else can you see the worst acting ever in one place? Peace.

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Rappers Say The Darnest Things!

Posted by Fresh on July 6, 2005

kaine

Rappers Say The Darnest Things!

This is the most ignant shit I’ve read all year long. The following interview is from the August 2005 XXL which shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone, myself included. Its bad enough XXL turns into a softcore porn commercial towards the end of the magazine for about five to six pages but this is the muthafucking icing on the cake. In this Train of Thought feature Kaine basically tries to justify his misogynist lyrics for the song “Pull My Hair“. *Sigh* You can’t make this shit up.

XXL: What was the intention behind making this song?

Kaine of the Ying Yang Twins: Well, we told the female, “Wait ’til you see my dick.” That was like the introduction. So, when we get them in the room, we’re going to commence to pull on their hair. It’s a way of being erotic towards the female, without exceeding the point of being sexual with it. . .

How many women have you really made cry?

I ain’t no gigolo, man. I don’t get down like that. What I write be picture painting. I just don’t exceed a point of realism. The stuff I’m saying, you’re going to picture being able to do. Not to say I done did all that rough sex, you know what I’m saying? But, I just don’t deal with women like that. I’m Oscar the Grouch, man. All the women like D-Roc!

In reality, how would you treat a lady?

Like a lady! You treat a lady like a lady. You treat a hoe like a hoe. And you treat a bitch like a bitch. So that mean, if you ain’t for the hoe and you ain’t for the bitch, then you don’t need to deal with them.

In this song targeted to a specific woman?

No woman is excluded from what I talk about. We don’t push the issue to disrespect women. There are some women who like very much to be respected and some women like being a manner where other women feel its not woman-like.

And since we all came from a woman

Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman - Tupac

So basically his mother, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, and other assorted female relatives s are also included. Smart. If you scared, say you scared. Kaine should go learn himself and holla at MJ.

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Lil Kim Sentenced To Year And A Day

Posted by Fresh on July 6, 2005

Breaking News: Lil Kim Sentenced To Year And A Day

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Sing along with me Kimmy, I’m locked up they won’t let me out! When I logged on to MTV.com after a long day at the office (I’m finally employed, bitches) and read Lil’ Kim Gets A Year And A Day In Prison I did a double take. Could this be true? A celebrity doing actual time?

NEW YORK — Rapper Lil’ Kim was sentenced to a year and a day in prison by Judge Gerard Lynch at Manhattan’s U.S. District Court Wednesday afternoon. The rapper was also fined $50,000 and will serve three years’ probation after her if sentence. She must turn herself in to authorities on September 19. Hip-hop’s Queen Bee — a nickname bestowed on the diminutive rapper by her ex-boyfriend, the late Notorious B.I.G. — was facing up to 20 years in prison, but as expected, Lynch’s sentence was less severe (see “Lil’ Kim Won’t Get Maximum Sentence, Expert Predicts”). Kim wept and held a Bible as she spoke to the judge before her sentencing, according to eyewitnesses. She admitted to her crime (which ruined any chance of appealing the conviction, although the sentence can be appealed) and said she was sorry. “I take full blame for my actions,” she said. “It was wrong, and this is the worst thing I’ve ever been through.” The judge lambasted her for being dishonest, saying that her lies were an insult to him and to the court. A statement is expected from her publicist later on Wednesday afternoon (July 6).
This is going to make for a great E! True Hollywood Story. Ma Dukes always told me that a lie was a lie, no matter how important. I basically feel like she got what was coming to her. Oh well! Rather the next nigga than my ass (or Wacko Jacko). Now the issue currently at hand is how is she going to “keep herself up” for a year? You know, with the plastic surgery and all. Jon predicted her breast will start sagging pretty soon. I personally think her cheek implants are going to slowly deteriorate over 12 months. I wonder what in the hell she is going to look like when her ass is released! Another question that looms over my head is will she be able to bring her wig collection to jail? I don’t think that would be a good idea if she could . . . be getting shanked for her Beverly Johnson joints. Whatever the case she will have a lot to rap about when she gets out. Or maybe she can do a album behind bars like Shyne. Oh the possibilities.

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Wac Arnold’s Get New Uniforms!

Posted by Fresh on July 5, 2005

wac
Wac Arnold’s Get New Hip Hop Uniforms!

McDonald’s has already tapped into Hip-Hop music to help sell their food and promote their brand and now the fast food giant is in talks with Sean John, Rocawear and Fubu to give employee’s uniforms a makeover. McDonald’s has hired music mogul Steve Stoute, who runs Translation Consulting and Brand Imaging to oversee the project.
The fast food giant’s aim is to make the employee uniform more desirable and to turn the clothing into walking advertisements for the McDonald’s brands.
“McDonald’s has evolved and become a lifestyle brand,” Stoute told AdAge.com. “Since it now is relevant to our lifestyle, let’s go one step further and make its employees relevant to our lifestyle as well.”
Other designers being considered for the uniform revamp include American Apparel, American Eagle Outfitters, Tommy Hilfiger and others.
In recent months, McDonald’s offered royalties to rappers who include the “Big Mac” sandwich in a hit record. In that campaign, the artist who name checks the song in the song will be paid a royalty based on the amount of times the record is played on the radio. Representatives said the initiatives are part of a broader marketing campaign to use Hip-Hop to sell their products. The company also hired various rappers to perform at certain offline events and more recently, used the Kanye West produced single “Move Around” by Chicago rapper Bump J in a commercial.

Be on the look out for my new single “Big Mac Bitch” dropping later on this summer.

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Trapped In The Closet

Posted by Fresh on July 4, 2005

Check out the complete “Trapped In The Closet” five chapter mini-movie a day early. I can’t wait to see what kind of ignorance he is going to muster up for chapters 6-10. TP 3 Reloaded will also include another very interesting song . . .

“Sex Weed” — yes, you’ve read the title correctly — is in the “Ignition”/ “You Remind Me” category. On the ballad, he compares making love to his girl to smoking the stickiest of the icky.”I’m about to smoke it down to a roach,” he sings. ” ‘Cause girl, you got that sex weed … Girl, just let me blaze it.”

I just can’t get enough of this picture, sorry.

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Messy Details

Posted by Fresh on July 3, 2005

Terry McMillian = One Crazy Bitch

Some of the more egregious acts, in that what she provided, stated or done to me/and my friends (both before and after entry of the orders), including the following:

She came to my place of business and left:

A) A jar of hot pepper sauce she labeled “penis juice”
B) A bottle of Island Spice Seasoning where she circled the word “jerk” and wrote “appropriate”
C) A bottle of Jamaican pepper sauce on which she wrote “Fag Juice Burn Baby Burn”

Read more of the court documents . . .

(Via Boogie Tonight)

Young men please stay away from 40+ year old women at barbeques tomorrow unless you want a slice of some “pyscho bitch” pie. And on that note have a safe and happy holiday.

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The Best Comic Book Character Ever

Posted by Fresh on July 2, 2005

cartoon

I would like to introduce to you all to Seven Spoon. This comic character embodies me, straight up. Sorry Huey, she’s a little more gully than you. I’ve decided to dedicate a section on the site to her ill observations and I encourage you to do the same.

Seven Spoon Speaks
On BET . . .
On Black Entrepreneurship . . .
On Being Fresh To Def . . .
On Sponge Bob . . .

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